le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS Remember Montclair Village in the Oakland foothills? Yeah, you think you're in this cute little awesome little hidden-away hide-a-hood, until all of a sudden you realize most everything around you is a stupid chain. Starbucks and Peet's are on the best corners, across from each other. But you have to look a little harder to find Nelly's Java down the road, where the wireless is free and there are plenty of empty tables.

So hurray for mas and for pas, and let's hear it for Nelly in general.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS Hedgehog's in the tub, watching one preseason baseball game on her cell and listening to another on her laptop. Which is nothing. By the end of the season last season she was streaming four games at a time, screaming at umpires in her sleep, and requesting hot dogs for breakfast.

This year, I don't know what she's going to do about the buns.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS "Rice noodles," she said. She said, "Rice."

I couldn't look her in the eye.

"Corn tortillas," she said.

I pushed my food around with my fork, added pepper, then hot sauce, then pepper. Then hot sauce.

"Quinoa," she said.

Neither one of us could clean our plate. From the outside, I thought, this must look like a bad date.

It wasn't, really. From a strictly romantical standpoint, things were fine between me and Hedgehog. Never been better, from a standpoint strictly romantical.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS So happens that Hedgehog's birthday coincided with Mardi Gras weekend this year. And she had just finished filming her first ever co-wrote TV show. And Isabella Rossellini, into whose beautiful mouth Hedgehog had "put words," gave her a hug when it was done.

Meaning: by the transitive property of hugging, I hugged Isabella Rossellini!Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS So happens that Hedgehog's birthday coincided with Mardi Gras weekend this year. And she had just finished filming her first ever co-wrote TV show. And Isabella Rossellini, into whose beautiful mouth Hedgehog had "put words," gave her a hug when it was done.

Meaning: by the transitive property of hugging, I hugged Isabella Rossellini! Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS There was a soccer game on TV. There was a cat on the pitch. It was running around, stopping, staring, licking, looking not-at-all confused and very much in every way like a cat. Except that millions of people were watching it, tens of thousands of them right there: laughing, clapping, and carrying on.

And who were all these sweaty men in striped shirts and high socks?Read more »

CHEAP EATS Yeah, ever since they shot Prop 8 tentatively down, I have had to hire grad students and interns to sift through all the marriage proposals. Their job is to weed out the ones with typos in them, suspected vegetarians, those that contain the words "growth" or "cicadas," and most importantly any that aren't from Hedgehog, the dyke of my dreams.

As you might imagine, it's grueling work. And since Hedgehog is not one to repeat herself, the "slush pile" is rapidly taking over our apartment.

Recycling comes on Friday.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS You know who I love? Hedgehog. One year ago today we had our first date, and now we are domestical partners. She calls me root beer eyes. I know it's a compliment because her favorite drink is Abita root beer with bourbon in it, and sometimes she looks at me like that.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS I've been saving something for you. Something special. For a time just like this.

The 49ers have fizzled in the drizzle, and the spring season of dyke football is a long way off. Not to mention spring training. Not to mention Spring.Read more »

le.chicken.farmer@gmail.com

CHEAP EATS I keep buying little plants and killing them. This makes me miss chickens, which are, in my experience, both easier to keep alive and more gratifying to kill. Now that they come from the grocery store, I cook more chickens than ever. Therefore, I would like to have fresh herbs in my kitchen. Therefore, I keep buying these little plants.

And killing them.Read more »